December 27th!!

I have been looking back at our calendar for 2010 and I'm exhausted. I really don't think we have had a single day this year where we did absolutely nothing. There is something on the calendar almost every single day. We had lots of wonderful times with our friends and family. We also filled many of our days and nights with work and school commitments. We are in desperate need of some down time.

It concerned me a little as I realized how busy we have been. I decided we needed to schedule a down day. Thankfully we both work in higher education, and we are both off work December 24th-January 2nd. So, we've scheduled a pajama party for December 27th. We are sleeping in, staying in our pajamas all day, watching mindless movies, and ordering pizza. We won't do laundry. We won't dust the house. We won't do homework. We won't do anything. It will be amazing.

So, to December 27th, I say...HURRY UP!

Alone time

Drew and I live a very busy life. We are usually home just long enough to sleep each night. We rarely come straight home after work and we are never around on the weekends. We are thankful to be surrounded by family and friends who want to spend time with us and keep us busy.

Last week, I was able to go to Clearwater Beach, FL for a conference. In order to understand my experience, you must first understand my personality. According to the Myers Briggs Foundation website, extroverts "like getting their energy from active involvement in events and having a lot of different activities. They are excited when they are around people and like to energize other people. They generally feel at home in the world and often understand a problem better when they can talk out loud about it and hear what others have to say." This certainly describes my personality type.

I had a very difficult time the first day/night at the conference. I wanted to talk to people. I wanted to have dinner with others and I wanted to make new friends. Everyone seemed to already know each other and I was left by myself.
Most people would appreciate the opportunity to walk alone on the beach, spend some time alone in a hotel room, and just escape from the world for a while. I, however, felt anxious and nervous about my alone time.

As the week progressed, I began to enjoy the time alone. I realized that we fill our lives with so many activities that we do not take the time to really think, reflect, and pray. After the conference each day, I enjoyed sitting on the beach, listening to the waves roll in as I reflect upon the blessings in my life. I was able to take a deep breath and relax for the first time in a long time.

I'm still not good at alone. However, I believe that even my extroverted self needs to seek out time to really enjoy the blessings of quiet peacefulness. It is in these moments that I can really understand my life, my God, and myself.

Oh, the memories...

This time of year always makes me think of the two little boys we lost in a failed adoption several years ago. They were with us in the late-summer and early-fall. I remember going to Eckert's to pick apples, a trip to Six Flags, and dressing them up for Halloween.

I remember being thankful for the exhaustion that came from going to bed late with Ethan, waking up throughout the night with Evan, and getting up early to take them to day care before work. I loved every minute of it.

I'm not sad right now...just reflective. I think about them all the time. I pray that they are safe, happy, and healthy. I know that God has a plan for them and I know that God has a plan for us.

To my siblings...

I have best friends for life in my siblings.

Several years ago, I realized that I was spending sleepless nights worrying about life's journeys. I would stir in my bed for hours with my "to do" lists buzzing in my head (one of the joys of my type-A personality). I tried writing my feelings in a journal, but I needed feedback. I was already a prayerful person, but I needed something else. Not something more...just something different. One night, I went to the computer and purged out everything that was stressing me. I wrote it all out in an email to my sister-in-law, Susan. Even though my stresses had nothing to do with her, I knew she would listen. I went back to bed and fell asleep immediately. I felt like all of the stress was lifted off my shoulders. I just needed to know that someone was listening and responding.

Since then, I have written many of those lengthy, rambling, 2 a.m. emails to Susan. I tell her she is the cheapest and best therapy a person could ever wish for. She always knows exactly how to respond (which is sometimes very little response at all). She takes time out of raising three brilliantly funny and loving sons to listen to what I have to say and I love her for it.

My sister, Becky, is one of the most loving and faithful people I have ever met. She works with people who have physical and developmental disabilities and she loves it. She has patience that is unmatched and her faith is astounding. She has been through a lot, but she is happy and healthier than I have ever seen her. I love her loyalty and devotion to her friends and family.

My brother is such a great father to his boys. He is sensitive and caring, but still makes me laugh harder than I ever thought possible. I am so thankful that he and Drew are so close. He is a wonderful teacher and has inspired kids to do things they never thought possible. He is passionate about his work and even more passionate about his family.

My goal is to take the best part of my siblings and improve that part of myself. I want to be a better listener, more compassionate, loyal to my friends and family, and passionate about what I do. Thanks Bobby, Susan, and Becky for showing us love and support throughout the years.

I LOVE this time of year!

I absolutely LOVE this time of year. I love when autumn is just on the horizon, and the promise of sitting around a fire wrapped in a hoodie is not far from reality. I start wishing for candy corn in August. I start longing for Christmas in September. There is just something about stepping outside and feeling the cool, crisp fall air on your face.

Now that I am back in school, it feels even more like fall. When I am not in school, the seasons bleed into each other with no significant change. For some reason, moving from semester to semester makes the seasons seem more distinct.

We were looking at our calendars the other day and this fall is going to be amazing. We have so many wonderful plans with friends and family! I am looking forward to a break from the summer sun as we move into my favorite time of year. I hope everyone gets out of the house and enjoys the beautiful weather over these next several months.

My Career

Tonight was New Student Orientation at my work. I love having a career where I can watch people make the choice to change their lives. I love meeting with a student who gets tears in her eyes as she talks about how proud her son is going to be to watch her walk across the stage at graduation. I love when I get to see a student register for his last class after he has juggled work, school, and family for years. It is quite rewarding.

My staff is very dedicated and passionate about what we do. Lately we have all been a bit overworked, to say the least. I think tonight was exactly what we needed to rejuvenate our spirits. Maybe it's just me, but I loved seeing the enthusiastic new students as they walked through the door. Some were admittedly nervous. Some were extremely excited. Others were just trying to make sure they had all of the information they needed to start on the right foot. It did us all some good to see the fresh faces of new students in the halls of our building.

Don't get me wrong...I am not going to act like I love every second of my work day. As with any career, I come across frustrating situations at times. But, I work with wonderful people in a job that I find extremely rewarding. I am so thankful that I have settled into a career that I love.

I hope we can continue to give our students the best experience possible. I am enthusiastic about the future of our programs and the path our school is taking. I hope my next five years at SLU are as wonderful as the first five.

Friends

I can't believe we have been in St. Louis for over 6 years. It seems like we were just packing up the truck to move here. We have met some of the greatest people. It still amazes me that our very best friends have only come into our lives since we made the decision to move. Some of our newest friends feel like they have been with us forever. I can't imagine going through some of the struggles we have faced without the loving support of our amazing friends.

I truly believe we have found friends for life in some of the people we have met these past six years. We are able to love each other without judging. We can have an adult conversation when we disagree. We want what is best for each other and we truly care about everything that is happening in each other's lives.

I don't want to name any names because I'm sure I will leave someone out. I just want to send a shout out to the people we have met through our jobs, church, community theater, and in our neighborhood who have influenced our happiness! You know who you are.

I wrote this a few years ago. Granny Jo became a grandma to me years ago when her son, Gary, married my mom. She took us all in as family and she has touched so many people's lives. At 93 years old, she isn't doing as well as we would like. I thought I would re-post this old blog in honor of a wonderful woman.

At what point in our lives do we decide to stop working toward some major goal such as a wedding, children, our first home, or continuing education and just allow life to happen. As I watch my Grandma Josephine (Granny Jo) I wonder what she must have been like at my age as she played ball, bought her first house, started a family, etc. She has so much energy now at age 89, and I wish I could have known her as a younger woman. I am sure she was equally as amazing. I watch her now as she just enjoys the smallest things in life and I can only hope to get to that point some day. There comes a time when the little things become really important again, and the big things do not matter as much. I could honestly sit for hours and listen to her stories and just when I think I have heard them all, she seems to remember a new one. On Monday of this week, we went with her to Cracker Barrel and she hadn't even looked at the menu when she asked the waitress, "Do you have hot chocolate?" The waitress said that they did and she brought Granny Jo the biggest mug of hot chocolate with tons of whipped cream. Granny Jo stuck a straw in the hot chocolate, took a huge drink, and then shoveled a huge spoon of whipped cream in her mouth. She looked so content with her hot chocolate and asked if she could pass her drink around the table so that everyone could have a sip. She's loving and caring and would give up anything for the people she loves. It would take me the rest of my life to be half the woman she is. I hope that everyone has a chance to have someone like Granny Jo in their life. I challenge everyone reading this to pick up the phone and call someone you care about OR get in the car and pay them a visit. It will mean a lot to them and it will probably end up meaning even more to you.

We love you, Granny Jo! Thank you for all you have taught us.

Three day weekend!

I requested a vacation day today. I wasn't going on vacation, nor did I have any plans. For the past several months, I have only requested vacation or sick days to do something I didn't want to do or to take care of someone else. I have taken time off for doctor's appointments and to help Drew and my dad after surgery. I believe the only other day I requested off was to clean my house. How sad is that? We are so busy that I actually had to take a vacation day from work to clean my dirty house.

One of my co-workers knew I was going camping this past weekend and suggested that I take off on Monday. My immediate thought was that there was no way I was taking off for absolutely no reason. Then, as the day progressed, I realize I needed to recharge my batteries. I realized that I had been walking around like a flashlight with low batteries. There was maybe a little light coming through, but not enough to really do the trick. Sometimes I needed to be shaken up a little to really start doing what I needed to do. I needed to be recharged.

So, against my better judgement, I turned in the request for time off and felt completely guilty the entire time. After all, what was I going to do on Monday if I wasn't at work? I knew that my house was clean. The laundry was done. The checkbook was balanced. The errands have all been run. Why couldn't I just go to work?

Well, now it is Monday and I am thanking God for my co-worker who pushed me to take the day off. After 8 hours of sleep (yes, you heard me!!) I am feeling relaxed and happy. I have big plans to visit my grandma, get a manicure and pedicure, and finish a book I started this weekend.

I absolutely love my job and the people at my job. But, I am a hard worker. I work all day, take work home at night, and work on the weekends to stay caught up. I think I have earned this day and I am allowing the guilty feelings to pass. After all, I know that I will accomplish more in a 4-day week with charged batteries than I would in a 5-day week with no energy.

9 years

Today is my nine year wedding anniversary. I know that nine years doesn't seem like long to some people, but it is almost 1/3 of my life. Everybody says that it goes by so quickly, and it truly does. However, when I think of everything we have been through, it seems like an eternity.

Over the past nine years, we have worked together through everything. We fought cancer alongside my family...and lost. We had a failed adoption of two beautiful boys who we still miss constantly. We waited for hours in hospital waiting rooms to meet our nephews, and fell in love each time! We have collectively held 8 different jobs, watched 2 homes being built, and shared a millon laughs.

There are so many other memories (some happy and some sad) that I will cherish from these past nine years. The best part about this almost-decade is that I had an amazing partner to walk right next to me the entire time. As I have said before, we may be far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other. Happy Anniversary to my amazing husband.

Things I know for certain...

I have learned a lot about people in these last several weeks. I am so thankful for the people in our lives and the support and love they show us each and every day. Our life is blessed, centered, and exactly where it should be at this point. These are some things I have recently observed.

1.) When someone is going through a difficult or stressful time, a good friend can display a superhuman ability to love.
2.) No matter how stressful my life may become, my big brother Bobby can always make me laugh.
3.) My sisters, Susan and Becky, are always there, quietly loving us and doing whatever it takes to make everything better.
4.) Some of our best family members aren't related by blood, and some of our blood relatives will never understand the meaning of family.
5.) My mom knows what I'm feeling without me saying a word...and usually knows exactly what to do about it.
6.) My nephew, Caleb, knows exactly when I need a hug and sometimes holds on a second or two longer than I do.
7.) My nephews, Lucas and Jackson, can give a smile that fills an entire room. They have an energy that just feeds into everyone around them.
8.) Sometimes a little ice cream is the best medicine.
9.) People who take care of a sick family member full time hold a special place in my heart. In most cases, they do not have the blessing of knowing that it's all going to be better soon.
10.) My husband makes prayerful decisions and always ends up doing what is right and good for the betterment of others. He is always more concerned about the well-being of others than he is about himself. I am unbelievably proud to be his wife.
11.) When I get caught up in finding solutions, I need to take more time to breathe and pray. God can calm my spirit and give me the answers if I just take the time to listen.

Goodnight!

As many of you know, my husband donated a kidney to my father last Thursday. Everyone is doing well and we are all thankful!

This morning they gave us the wonderful news that my husband could go home. We were both very excited. I had to go to the hospital pharmacy before we left so that I could get Drew's meds. The woman behind the counter told me it would be 45 minutes. Although I wanted to get Drew home (and wanted to be home myself), I was kind of excited about the idea of actually just sitting in silence for a bit. For the past several days, my phone had been a steady stream of texts, facebook messages, facebook wall posts, phone calls, etc. Believe me, I'm not complaining. We felt extremely loved! Anyway, you can understand how one might be excited about the idea of silence...just silence.

So, I found a comfortable chair and I saw a man rolling a cart with some newspapers on it. He is wearing those Groucho Marx glasses that one might get from a costume shop (black glasses, large nose, mustache). You know the kind. He had long hair and an unkept beard. He appeared to have some type of physical and possibly development disability.

Anyway, I smiled and said good morning. He began to mumble a bit. He kept saying, "wait a second, wait a second, hold on" as he tried to make the funny glasses stay on his face. He reached into his cart and pulled out two band-aids and handed them to me. I realized that he wanted me to place the band-aids over the sides of the glasses to help keep them on. I obliged.

I sat back down and he decided to join me. I was going to make small talk and decided to discuss last night's Cardinal win, when he handed me a white 3-ring binder. The top of the binder said something to the effect of "The Story of Jim Stoien." He pointed to it as if he wanted me to read it. I flipped through the pages and a lump immediately formed in my throat.

Jim Stoien was a biochemist in the late 70's. He was attending graduate school in Colorado and was considered top in his class. (You can google his name to see some of his early research). Jim was struck by a car while on his motorcycle in the late 70's. He lost his ability to speak and the subsequent surgeries affected his ability to continue research. The book went on to explain that Jim is an avid Cardinal fan (I knew I liked him for a reason) and that he is now a volunteer at BJC.

The book included some poetry that Jim himself wrote after the accident. There were pictures of a vibrant young man, full of life, and his family throughout his early years. There was an obituary for his mother, who died this past January. There were newspaper clippings from a fire that destroyed his apartment complex several years ago. There were newspaper stories about his accident that talk about the "local genius" who was hit by a car and whose research would never be completed. Overall, he appeared to be dealt a difficult hand.

He smiled at me as I looked through the pages and held back the tears. He asked me if I wanted some of his candy and started to leave. Before he left, I adjusted the band-aids and helped him to keep his glasses on. He literally tipped his Cardinal baseball cap to me and went about his day.

I've never been more thankful for an interruption in my entire life. I will never forget Jim Stoien. I hope to come across his path again. I left the hospital with a renewed thankfulness. Even though these past three days have been an emotional roller coaster, I know we are blessed. I pray for special blessings on Jim Stoien for bringing a smile (and some perspective) to my day.

I spent last week in Cincinnati for the Heartland-Delta conference. This conference takes place every three years to allow the Jesuit universities from the region to come together to discuss Ignatian values and Jesuit education. Overall, it was a great experience. The conference was the perfect blend of information-sharing and reflection. I was able to meet people (from administrative staff to university presidents) from many quality, premiere institutions from around the country.

On my way to the conference, I read a book called "Sarah's Key" about a young Jewish child and her experiences throughout the holocaust. I was already in a reflective state of mind regarding the history of our country and our world. While at the conference, we were able to visit the Underground Railroad Freedom Center. I saw pictures of families who were separated while seeking freedom. I read stories of men and women who would rather die than remain in slavery. I saw pictures of lynchings and gasped at the atrocities of early-America.

It made me think...what will we be gasping at in 30, 40, 50 years? What appalling things are we doing in today's society that will make my future children shake their heads?

Whether we are talking about gay/lesbian rights, a country that takes care of our sick/poor before exhausting our resources on other countries, or equal pay and respect for men and women in the workplace, I pray that my children have the opportunity to someday appreciate how far we have come. It would be a travesty if the next generation still has to fight for these freedoms and rights.

I grew up in a diverse area and I've always embraced diversity in others. I realize that some have not had the opportunity to enjoy the multitude of experiences that I was exposed to as a child. Many people come from small towns with very little exposure to others who were "different" from them. Although I do not believe this is an excuse for ignorance, it helps me to be more patient with those who may take longer to see what is right and what is good.

It is my prayer that our country will continue to work toward increased rights and freedoms for all people.

Change is heading our way...

So, Drew and I have been talking about moving for quite some time. When we built our house four years ago, we thought we were making a good choice. We built a home that we thought would be perfect for entertaining guests. The problem is that our home is simply too far away from everything. We drive an hour to work each morning and an hour home each evening. We spend approximately $125/week in gas and we have put 76,000 miles on our Honda, which we bought brand new 2 years ago.

The house down the street has been for sale for a few months. This morning, I was extremely excited to see a "sold"sign on it. You see...there is an empty lot on our street and they are still building in our subdivision. We just assumed that someone looking for a house would want to build a new one. I called the realtor and she said that she has sold three houses in our neighborhood in the last two months. So, we took the plunge and set up an appointment for her to come over. As of this Thursday, our home will most likely be on the market.

We have no idea where we will go, but we don't mind the adventure of house hunting again. We are really excited about the convenience of living closer to work, closer to our friends, and closer to everything we like to do.

As always, we have a lot going on right now. Drew's surgery is scheduled for June 15th. We are taking our oldest nephew to Washington DC in August, and I am starting my Ph.D. this fall. However, I still find freedom in knowing that we don't HAVE to move right now. We'll just see what comes our way.

We'll take whatever prayers you want to send our way! We are excited to set out on another series of new adventures together.

Mushy-Gushy Stuff

So, those of you who know me knew that it wouldn't take long for me to write some mushy-gushy blog about my husband (yes, I said mushy-gushy...get over it). Anyway...regrouping. My husband is the most amazing person I have ever met. He never ceases to amaze me and he still gives me that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when he is being completely adorable.

I don't want to run the risk of losing you with stories about his swooning, so I'll just give you one example. We had a date night months ago and decided to try a place we had never been. The hostess explained that we could take a little table in the corner or wait over an hour for a better table. We decided to take the corner table and it was perfectly fine. It was set away from the rest of the patrons, but I didn't mind. I thought it was kind of romantic and secluded. Drew, however, looked a little disappointed. I asked him if he disliked the table and he said, "It's fine. I just wish we were around more people so that I could show you off." (Butterflies, butterflies!)

Well, now he has REALLY outdone himself. My dad was put on dialysis over a year ago. His kidneys were functioning at about 9% at that time. Because of his hours at work, my dad had to do in-home dialysis. So, for over a year, my dad has hooked up to the dialysis machine for 9 hours every single day. He works 12 hour shifts, so you can imagine this has negatively impacted his life in a major way.

Months ago, some of my family decided to test to become a kidney donor for my dad. In case you didn't know...I'm a planner. I plan out everything and I live a very solution-based life. If there is a problem, I try not to dwell on the issue, but instead focus on how to fix it. My plan was to be a perfect match, give my dad a kidney, and move on. Easy as that, right? Well, my plan didn't work. I was kicked out of the running very early. It seems that I have high blood pressure (which is also what caused my father's kidney failure), so I was finished. Without even the prick of a needle, I was out. My plan didn't work and I HATE when my plans do not work.

I didn't ask Drew to test to become a donor. He just took it upon himself because that is how he is. He called and requested the info packet, mailed in his paperwork, set up all of his tests, and even hounded the donor center religiously as he waited for results. I never really thought it through completely because I guess I just thought that he wouldn't be a match. Well, I was wrong. This time I didn't have a plan...but as always, God did!

We found out this week that Drew is a match. It looks like the surgery will take place in late-May or early-June of this year. Needless to say, we are all ecstatic. Drew acts like it is not a big deal at all. I think he truly believes that anyone in this situation would do the same thing. I beg to differ. He astounds me with his love and generosity.

Despite my planning capabilities, I never fully entertained the thought that Drew would be a match and that this was all going to work out so perfectly. Finding out that Drew is a match is bittersweet for me. I am not looking forward to the day when I have to leave my father and my husband in the hands of a surgeon. I have faith that they will be fine and that this is all meant to be at this moment in our lives.

I'm always looking for people to take the planning off my plate. Who is going to plan the next camping trip? Who is going to plan the holidays? Did anyone plan something for an upcoming birthday? But the one person who can REALLY plan is God. For some reason, I refuse to let Him do the planning. Lesson learned: God's plan is always going to be bigger and better than anything I can devise.

My prayer is that I will work harder to trust in His plan and that I will see His work in the little and big details of my life.


As always, thanks for listening!

Let's Put This Into Perspective

So, I have worked very diligently over the past several years to put things into perspective. I've never been very good at perspective. I realized over time that I was complaining about so many things in my life. I would complain when it was time to clean the house. I would complain because of my long commute to work. I would complain about being tired after a long week of work. My goal is to find the blessing in the fact that I have a home and a job and a car when others may not.

I remember when my step-dad was in his final months after a courageous battle with cancer. He was so thankful for everything. He didn't sweat the small stuff. He was happy for every minute of every day. He taught me to put things into perspective. In the grand scheme of things, what REALLY matters?

In my quest to find perfect perpective (say that 10 times fast)...I have found that I have become judgmental of other people's lack of perspective. Here's a doozie for you. I was sitting in the doctor's office a couple of months ago with a woman who was clearly pregnant. I asked her all of the same questions that she probably gets 100 times a day. "Is this your first child?" No, it was her third. "When are you due?" September. "Do you know what you are having?" Yes (she says with a lack of enthusiasm.) So, I just sit there...waiting for her to say something. She doesn't say anything for a minute and then says, "It's a girl," with even less enthusiasm than before. After we talk for a few minutes, she pours out her soul to me. She explains that she already has two girls and that she REEEAAALLLY wanted a boy. She talked about how they were "trying" for a girl. Really? Do people really say things like that? How selfish. It was obvious to me and everyone around (and probably her unborn daughter) that she was clearly disappointed. She has two healthy girls at home and has to complain because she didn't get the little boy she wanted. How arrogant are we as a society that we would tell ANYONE (much less a perfect stranger) that we are disappointed about the gender of a child? If she tells a stranger her feelings, I'm sure her entire family and all of her friends know of her disappointment. It puts a dark cloud over the entire pregnancy. It's one thing to maybe say something to your husband about wanting a particular gender, but to put it out there for the world to see just makes you look ridiculous. When people see her playing with her baby girl, they will always know that she wished the baby was a boy.

Let's put this into perspective, folks. Some people have children who are extremely ill. Some people are carrying unborn children that they can't afford to feed. Some people have countless miscarriages and some people can't have biological children at all. So, I personally don't want to hear if your family isn't the picture of perfection you had in your mind.

I'm DEFINITELY not perfect. When something goes wrong, I still have to remind myself that someone has it worse than me. Here is what I try to do. As corny as it sounds, it seems to work. When something goes wrong, I say, "The worst thing I have going on in my life right now is..." Examples: The worst thing I have going on in my life right now is that I have to go grocery shopping. The worst thing I have going on in my life is that I am exhausted from a busy week. The worst thing I have going on in my life right now is that I am stuck in traffic. I find myself feeling silly for complaining in the first place.

Ok...I'm stepping down off my soapbox now. Thanks for listening.

My Bucket List

I am new to this blogging thing. I have tons of ideas running through my head daily. So, even if nobody ever reads my blogs, I think it will be somewhat therapeutic to write them.

After watching the movie "The Bucket List", I decided to create my own list of things I wanted to do before I kick the proverbial bucket. One of the things I wanted to do was write a novel. I love to read a good book. I get swallowed up in the stories and I find that reading is a great escape from a busy week. So, I recently started writing my first novel. I am approximately 1/3 of the way through the book. (Yes, I googled 'how to write a novel' and found out how many words I should be writing.)

The problem is that it isn't very good. However, I'm finding freedom in the fact that I just don't care if it is good. My goal wasn't to write the next American classic. My goal wasn't to be published by 35. My goal wasn't even to write a good novel. The goal was to simply write a novel before I die, and that I can do. I love the process and I love that I sometimes get the desire to sit and spill my thoughts out on page. For someone who can't paint, play an instrument, or do anything that is seemingly creative...this is my outlet. I hope my friends and family will choose to read it when I am finished.

My boss often quotes Jim Collins, author of Good to Great. She says that "Good is the enemy of great." In other words, we get complacent with a good life and never strive for greatness. Again, I'm not worried about becoming the next big thing on the New York Times Bestseller List. To me, greatness comes while pursuing the goal of living a full and rich life. Greatness is present when we push ourselves to do more than we thought possible. Even if my book is terrible, I will have stepped outside of my comfort zone to open my heart to anyone who will read it. To me, that is working toward greatness.